First residential weekend done and a mixed bag of emotions as a result. Absolutely love the academic stuff - get a real thrill from being taught by such amazing theologians ( yes I know need to get over my Jane Williams obsession!) but finding the worship more of a challenge.
I don't know why arms in the air make me uncomfortable but they do. I actually quite like the worship songs once I get the hang of them and even find myself moving in time to the music (steady on there!) but I can't quite seem to get into the extempore nature and really let myself go. I am unable to pray out loud even when I feel I have something I want to pray for and as for the whole hugging at The Peace - too far! OK it was very cold in the chapel and a bit of shared body heat goes a long way but I felt forced into a situation I wasn't completely comfortable with but went along with cos I didn't want to appear stand offish.
Then I start worrying about the authenticity of my vocation - if I can't move with the times then what sort of priest can I be in a contemporary expression of Church?
Is the catholic tradition to which I am committed where it's at today or is it redundant other than on All Soul's Day and when people want a good old fashioned worship experience to remind them of things past.Are we catholics just a relic of the past? I firmly believe not.The Catholic tradition has much to offer today's church and society. To be catholic is not to deny evangelism and is a force for social change.
And I know that because just when I am feeling like my catholicism is a barrier to my vocation what drops into my inbox but information about the Dearmer Society. At last a place to meet others who share my theology. So now I don't feel isolated but empowered.
And I know that while I may feel uncomfortable with arms raised my charismatic colleagues no doubt feel equally uncomfortable with genuflection and other expressions of catholicism.
I know these challenges will not vanish but I also know I am not alone in my feelings of displacedness and that I am at a place where "generous orthodoxy" is the
Wednesday, 19 October 2011
Sunday, 2 October 2011
On being a stranger
Was somewhat disappointed by lack of welcome at St. Mary's Church in Melton Mowbray when I attende their 10 am service this morning. We have been visiting friends in the town for the weekend and having dropped by the church yesterday felt encouraged to go along today. Couldn't fault the lady who was "on duty" yesterday as she piled me with lots of info about the church including a free copy of the Parish magazine.
Not so impressive today when despite clearly being new in town and alone not one person spoke to me before or after the service save for the Reader & Curate doing the obligatory thank you for coming on exit.
This made me think about how best we can welcome newcomers in to church. I know that for some people the opportunity for an hour's peace means they don't want be disturbed but surely the first time we see a stranger enter church we should at least enquire after them. If it is clear they wish to be left alone that is fine but maybe part of their motivation fro coming along is to feel that they belong, that they are part of a community? If we ignore them how can we ever hope to meet their needs?
My need ths morning was simply to feel close to God and to meet him through the Eucharist and as far that objective was concerned St Mary's succeeded. A beautiful church and an excellent sermon both helped fulfil that desire for spiritual sustenance. But had I been looking for fellowship and friendship I would have been left disappointed - which I find sad and disappointing.
I hope that anyone who comes along to Ss Peter & Paul's never leaves feeling like that. And I hope that the lesson I learned this morning about the importance of warmth and welcome helps me as I journey along my path in ministry
Not so impressive today when despite clearly being new in town and alone not one person spoke to me before or after the service save for the Reader & Curate doing the obligatory thank you for coming on exit.
This made me think about how best we can welcome newcomers in to church. I know that for some people the opportunity for an hour's peace means they don't want be disturbed but surely the first time we see a stranger enter church we should at least enquire after them. If it is clear they wish to be left alone that is fine but maybe part of their motivation fro coming along is to feel that they belong, that they are part of a community? If we ignore them how can we ever hope to meet their needs?
My need ths morning was simply to feel close to God and to meet him through the Eucharist and as far that objective was concerned St Mary's succeeded. A beautiful church and an excellent sermon both helped fulfil that desire for spiritual sustenance. But had I been looking for fellowship and friendship I would have been left disappointed - which I find sad and disappointing.
I hope that anyone who comes along to Ss Peter & Paul's never leaves feeling like that. And I hope that the lesson I learned this morning about the importance of warmth and welcome helps me as I journey along my path in ministry
Friday, 30 September 2011
Faith,Fasting & Feminism
Been reflecting on two aspects of faith that have been giving me cause for concern this week for very different reasons.
The first was the discussion at Ss Peter & Paul's PCC meeting at which decisions were neede with respect to the current resolutions - prior to the meeting A,B & C were in place. After much discussion, thought and prayer the overall result was to rescind A & C but to keep B. Although most (but not all) were personally in favour of rescinding all three the view was that for many of the remaining congregation a female incumbent at this stage would be just too much change after a time of great turmoil and for many much personal heartache.
So in any many ways a significant step forward and much joy now we are back under the episcopal care of the Bishop of Chelmsford particulary with the forthcoming confirmation service.
I long for the day when a woman celebrates at the altar at Hockley - I am obviously convinced that it is right and proper and that in no way will be in detract from the underlying catholic tradition although I know many of my fellow parishioners still can't quite get their hands round the concept of retaining cathoicism and accepting the priesthood of women. I feel so strongly about this in my soul and truly believe that this is God's call to me - He led me to Hockley for a reason and I pray that by listening to Him and through the power of the Holy Spirit I can play some small part in rebuilding this place of prayer and faith.
And what of my own unfailing catholic tradition? I felt truly tested last night when faced with the dilemma of breaking my Eucharistic fast in order to eat with my college colleagues. I so don't want to come across as some kind of pious freak ( is that too strong a word!) and I know within my heart that God would understand if I and eaten but I just couldn't do it and I am glad I didn't. Of course God wouldn't have struck me down for breaking my fast but for me that moment of meeting with Him at the Holy table would have been weakened when I felt in great need of His presence.
What my fellow Ordinands truly thought I don't know but I felt supported in my decision by all those of whom were aware of it and maybe it has been a point of reflection for them as well in terms of that "generous orthodoxy" that exists between us. I remain steadfast in my practice and even more aware of God walking this road with me.
The first was the discussion at Ss Peter & Paul's PCC meeting at which decisions were neede with respect to the current resolutions - prior to the meeting A,B & C were in place. After much discussion, thought and prayer the overall result was to rescind A & C but to keep B. Although most (but not all) were personally in favour of rescinding all three the view was that for many of the remaining congregation a female incumbent at this stage would be just too much change after a time of great turmoil and for many much personal heartache.
So in any many ways a significant step forward and much joy now we are back under the episcopal care of the Bishop of Chelmsford particulary with the forthcoming confirmation service.
I long for the day when a woman celebrates at the altar at Hockley - I am obviously convinced that it is right and proper and that in no way will be in detract from the underlying catholic tradition although I know many of my fellow parishioners still can't quite get their hands round the concept of retaining cathoicism and accepting the priesthood of women. I feel so strongly about this in my soul and truly believe that this is God's call to me - He led me to Hockley for a reason and I pray that by listening to Him and through the power of the Holy Spirit I can play some small part in rebuilding this place of prayer and faith.
And what of my own unfailing catholic tradition? I felt truly tested last night when faced with the dilemma of breaking my Eucharistic fast in order to eat with my college colleagues. I so don't want to come across as some kind of pious freak ( is that too strong a word!) and I know within my heart that God would understand if I and eaten but I just couldn't do it and I am glad I didn't. Of course God wouldn't have struck me down for breaking my fast but for me that moment of meeting with Him at the Holy table would have been weakened when I felt in great need of His presence.
What my fellow Ordinands truly thought I don't know but I felt supported in my decision by all those of whom were aware of it and maybe it has been a point of reflection for them as well in terms of that "generous orthodoxy" that exists between us. I remain steadfast in my practice and even more aware of God walking this road with me.
Saturday, 24 September 2011
The journey begins in earnest.....
After weeks of saying to myself I really must get back on th blog here I am. Hoping that my not so new toy of an IPad will make finding the time to post that much easier but also wondering if I will be discipline enough to write regularly.
My long and winding road really has started and already I am wondering what I have done - or more to the pint what has God done! I keep thinking that there has been a mistake and I'm not really meant to be actually training to be a priest. It's been worse weirdly when I have been at college when I just feel so unworthy and lightweight next to my fellow Ordinands (still loving being able to use that word!)Yet when I'm not there but reading,working,being in church or just simply being , it all seems exactly right and what I was born for. Yes I still worry about workload, balancing family and work commitments and what will happen when I complete my training but there is something very calm inside me saying all will be well and I know that I need to hang on to that as there are tough times ahead and I shall ned all my reserves of strength and faith to carry me through such times.
One of the things that has ben recommended to us is to keep a journal reflecting on how our training is going and how we feel. So this is my journal and musings on how it feels to be aspiring to priesthood but maintaining my identity as wife, mother , daughter , friend, colleague.Could this be a form of contextual theology? Is God working His purpose out in me? I don't know but here I go finding out!
My long and winding road really has started and already I am wondering what I have done - or more to the pint what has God done! I keep thinking that there has been a mistake and I'm not really meant to be actually training to be a priest. It's been worse weirdly when I have been at college when I just feel so unworthy and lightweight next to my fellow Ordinands (still loving being able to use that word!)Yet when I'm not there but reading,working,being in church or just simply being , it all seems exactly right and what I was born for. Yes I still worry about workload, balancing family and work commitments and what will happen when I complete my training but there is something very calm inside me saying all will be well and I know that I need to hang on to that as there are tough times ahead and I shall ned all my reserves of strength and faith to carry me through such times.
One of the things that has ben recommended to us is to keep a journal reflecting on how our training is going and how we feel. So this is my journal and musings on how it feels to be aspiring to priesthood but maintaining my identity as wife, mother , daughter , friend, colleague.Could this be a form of contextual theology? Is God working His purpose out in me? I don't know but here I go finding out!
Sunday, 22 May 2011
back to school!
so I've been recommended for training but I need a college place as well! Sadly I am somewhat limited in my options cos full time residential is not practical - my family may well wish me many miles away at times but I also need to work at the same time. So off to St Mellitus for an interview with the admissions tutor last Thursday and a very pleasant experience it was too! Aided I have to say by the delicious meal served in the auspicious surroundings of Chelmsford Cathedral - best veggie option (note last blog entry!) I have had for a very long time. Sitting in on the first years' lecture made me feel like I really am going to be a student - especially due to the proper academic type lecturer who was a tad stereotypical ( do all New Testament lecturers have an obligatory beard!) but fascinating to listen to.
Its going to be a lot of hard work especially combined with full time employment but can't wait to start - eldest daughter has promised me stationery shopping trip before terms starts. Wonder if she will be paying?
Its going to be a lot of hard work especially combined with full time employment but can't wait to start - eldest daughter has promised me stationery shopping trip before terms starts. Wonder if she will be paying?
Sunday, 15 May 2011
Vegetarianism is not a penance! Its a lifestyle choice!
So I see that the Roman Catholic Church are planning to reintroduce the concept of penance on Fridays. And what will this penance be? Not eating meat! Pushing 30 years as a vegetarian and never once have I felt that this is a penance! So why are the majority of the RC Church going to find this so ( apart from the ones who are already veggie I guess - what will they give up as a penance I wonder?)
Maybe those undertaking the penance would like to donate the difference in the amount they spend on food when not eating meat to a charity - then it might actually do some good. Or are they going to take the opportunity to promote how much kinder it would be to the planet if everyone just took one day out from carnivorous consumption? Come to think of it wasn't that someone else's idea? I seem to recall Meatless Mondays? What a wasted opportunity if this is just another Thou shalt not for our Roman Catholic brethren!
Maybe those undertaking the penance would like to donate the difference in the amount they spend on food when not eating meat to a charity - then it might actually do some good. Or are they going to take the opportunity to promote how much kinder it would be to the planet if everyone just took one day out from carnivorous consumption? Come to think of it wasn't that someone else's idea? I seem to recall Meatless Mondays? What a wasted opportunity if this is just another Thou shalt not for our Roman Catholic brethren!
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
Time for Blog?
so where do people find time for this blogging stuff? I really want to do this but don't seem ever to find the time - or is that an indication that I actually don't want to do it? So here I am at a quarter to midnight when i should be asleep cos I will be a grumpy person tomorrow otherwise trying to think of something interesting to write about!
So a question to anyone out there who is listening. How do I reconcile my heartfelt belief that God is calling me to be a priest, in effect a servant leader, when I am such a control freak who is struggling to relinquish power at work? I don't want to be that person but somehow I can't stop. Is it because of the working environment where at the moment everyone is jockeying for position cos of fear of future redundancy? Is it my survival instinct cos the fear of losing my job at this point of time is too great? Jesus required his disciples to leave everything behind to follow Him but I struggle with that concept in the face of my responsibilities to my family.
so fellow people of God how to step gracefully away from petty power struggles - advice please?
So a question to anyone out there who is listening. How do I reconcile my heartfelt belief that God is calling me to be a priest, in effect a servant leader, when I am such a control freak who is struggling to relinquish power at work? I don't want to be that person but somehow I can't stop. Is it because of the working environment where at the moment everyone is jockeying for position cos of fear of future redundancy? Is it my survival instinct cos the fear of losing my job at this point of time is too great? Jesus required his disciples to leave everything behind to follow Him but I struggle with that concept in the face of my responsibilities to my family.
so fellow people of God how to step gracefully away from petty power struggles - advice please?
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